> >> Christmas is Coming Soon
> >>
> >> Be prepared for next Christmas which is only 5 months away. A new
> >> contract for Santa Claus has finally been negotiated Please read the
> >> following carefully....
> >>
> >> I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
> >> able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
> >> overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
> >> re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve
> >> only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.
> >> As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk
> >> and cookies, so keep that in mind.
> >>
> >> However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
> >> local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
> >> side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
> >> delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
> >> differences between us.
> >>
> >> Differences such as:
> >>
> >> 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
> >> Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
> >> "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
> >>
> >> 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
> >> an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba
> >> doesn't smoke a pipe, he dips a little snuff though, so please have an
> >> empty spit can handy.
> >>
> >> 3. Bubba Claus, sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs
> >> instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
> >> reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
> >>
> >> 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen" when Bubba
> >> Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin
> >> and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty".
> >>
> >> 5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also
> >> are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear dat!"
> >>
> >> 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
> >> Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words Back Off. The
> >> last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
> >> One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and
> >> the other is a caricature of me on the hood of Bubba's sleigh.
> >>
> >> 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
> >> and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
> >> area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
> >> the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
> >> state patrol cars crashing into each other.
> >>
> >> 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
> >> the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
> >> presents under the tree.
> >>
> >> 9. And finally, you will not hear the lovely Christmas songs that have
> >> been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing
> >> Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" This year songs about Bubba
> >> Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the south. Those
> >> song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox",
> >> Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack"
> >> and Hank Williams, Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove
> >> It. It Won't be long before Christmas so get ready Y'all.
> >>
> >> Sincerely Yours,
> >> Santa Claus
> >
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b29 : Fri Jun 20 2003 - 12:17:40 EDT