Re: DML BBQ - ice cream + car show?

From: Josh Battles (josh.lists@omg-stfu.com)
Date: Thu Jul 21 2005 - 22:11:42 EDT


Jason Bleazard said:
>
> But of course. Recall that I work in the aerospace sector, and we only
> use the ultra output Mr. Fusion. Nothing but the best for our employees!

Fabulous. Be sure to bring plenty of beer cans to use for fuel. We'll be
sure to dump them out first though, as I've heard that some of the ultra
output Mr. Fusion units have had problems with liquids.

> Yes, it is indeed fortunate that Mr. Wind is so robust, because we
> certainly don't want anyone breaking Mr. Wind. As we all know, the fumes
> released when someone breaks Mr. Wind are extremely hazardous.

Ahh, from the mysterious infinate probability methane drive system! I
remember now. Didn't the last one take out Chernobyl when it failed?

> Do you have any idea how big a jiggabyte is? I believe you're thinking of
> the old metric jiggabyte standard. I'm talking about the new Imperial
> jiggabyte. It shall be more storage than you can possibly imagine.

Here in America we laugh at your Imperial standards, the metric system is
truly the wave of the future and it shall dominate all aspects of your life
before you have the opportunity to escape it.

> Only one previous attempt has been made to create an entire Imperial
> jiggabyte of storage using an array built from a mind-boggling number of
> standard off-the-shelf hard drives. The ill-fated scientists conducting
> this experiment performed it in Antarctica due to the natural cooling
> properties of the environment. Needless to say, the magnetic and
> gravitational forces of that much spinning mass in such close proximity
> caused the hard drive rack to collapse in on itself. The resulting black
> hole swallowed the entire lab and destroyed all records of the experiment.
> The government has neither confirmed nor denied this report, meaning it
> must be true beyond all doubt. Fortunately for us, this experiment was
> conducted using clearly obsolete technology from way back in February.
> Given the incredible advances in storage technology since then, I am
> confident that we will be able to overcome this technical challenge.

What is to say that our mass of several 4 foot diameter platters won't cause
a similar black hole to be created in the bed of my truck? Will there be a
neutrino supression field in place to prevent such a catastrophe? More
importantly, will it be made out of technology pirated from the 24th century?

Although... If we were able to capture the elusive "Scotty" and provide
adequite amounts of dylithium crystals to control it's hormones, it would
surely serve as a protective agent keeping black hole creation at bay for all
eternity thus allowing us to successfully download the whole of the
interwebnet.com

> Why, you addle-brained fool! Your problem is clearly that you were using
> the inferior FAT file system in your misguided attempt to create a
> jiggabyte of storage. This magnitude of storage is far beyond the meager
> capabilities of that technology. We shall be utilizing the new SOUTHBEACH
> storage system, capable of shrinking each file to approximately one-one
> billionth of its original size utilizing optical quantum flux
> interferometry. In order to properly utilize this technology, I hope you
> realize that we are going to be relying on your l337 cleaning and
> polishing skills to remove all sub-atomic imperfections from the surface
> of our hard drive platters. Bring lots of wax.

Are you sure the SOUTHBEACH filesystem is appropriate for this amount of
data? I did some reading on slashdot about the new HOLLYWOOD filesystem that
would allow us to download and store the whole of the interwebnet.com in only
24 hours! It even has standard compression to ensure that we have the
smallest footprint of data on the platters, thus allowing us to consume as
much data as possible and never ever ever run out of space. It requires no
polishing, only that we immerse the hard drive in somr sort of orange colored
liquid.

> Fear not, your driveline shall be re-enforced. Even so, I believe the
> Clearcoat Stealth technology bears further research. My understanding is
> that it also relies heavily on the presence of a series of flashing red
> lights on the front of the vehicle, designed to confuse and distract enemy
> scanning systems. Unfortunately, as this system was invented in the mid
> 1980's, it pre-dates modern intarnetweb methods of information
> distribution. The secrets of this technology remain irretrievably locked
> within ancient "book" storage methods which utilize actual paper.
> Difficult to comprehend, but true. Furthermore, these "books" are kept in
> vaults called "libraries" under the jealous guardainship of the most
> advanced and powerful masters of the Dewey Decimal arts. Rather than risk
> angering the Dewey Decimal order, I shall obtain and study the
> unauthorized "Knight Rider" documentary of this technology in an effort to
> duplicate the valiant efforts of Knight Industries.

HA! HA! Luckily for us, I have managed to procure a time machine that I
purchased off of this elusive interwebnet that will allow us to travel back
to 1982 so that we can not only get put in for the 4th quarter and win the
game, but we will be able to meet with the Knight Foundation to see about
procuring one of these sequential red flashing lights, thus avoiding any
encounters with the masters of the Dewey Decimal Arts and allowing us to save
our Cerberous lvl 7 guardian for use at a later time. We wouldn't want to
waste the talents of such a powerful being on the Dewey Decimal Order.

> I gladly undertake this dangerous mission for the greater good. Wish me
> success!

I wish you luck and don't forget to put the crystals in the top of the time
machine before you plug it into the wall. Please report back as soon as you
return. I eagerly await your next communique.

-- 
- Josh
www.omg-stfu.com



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