Tool definitions (OT sorta)

From: DAKSY (rsmith13@nycap.rr.com)
Date: Mon Dec 05 2005 - 22:51:55 EST


Hey, DML!

Check these out:

 DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
 suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
 hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
 your beer across the room, splattering it against that
 freshly painted part you were drying.

 WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
 them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of
 light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned
 guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
 "Ouch...."

 ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
 rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

 HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
 Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
 a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
 attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
 future becomes.

 VISE-GRIPS: Also used to round off bolt heads. If
 nothing else is available, they can also be used to
 transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
 hand.

 OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting
 various flammable objects in your shop alight. Also
 handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you
 want the bearing race out of.

 HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile
 to the ground after you have installed your new disk
 brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
 bumper.

 EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an
 automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

 PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he
 has another hydraulic floor jack

 SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
 sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
 for getting dog sh** off your boot.

 E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
 harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt
 holes you couldn't use anyway.

 TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile
 strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

 CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry-bar
 that inexplicably has an accurately machined
 screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

 INSPECTION LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning
 booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good
 source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
 not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
 benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume
 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm
 howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
 few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
 than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids
 of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on
 your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies,
 to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced
 in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
 transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
 to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
 last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO,
 and neatly rounds off their heads.

 PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
 that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
 replace a 50¢ part.

 HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
 hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
 locate the most expensive parts not far from the
 object you are trying to hit.

 CRAFT KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
 contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
 door; works particularly well on contents such as new>
 seats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
 magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

 DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
 across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of
 your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will
 need.

 EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in
 hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and
 indignities following our every deficiency in
 foresight.

 Love to take the credit, but stolen from a board, who
 stole it from another, who got it off a mailing list.

Bob Smith (DAKSY2K on AIM)
2K DAK SY Sport + V6 4X4 5Speed

WebPage URL: http://home.nycap.rr.com/daksy/



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