Oh my gosh, those are great Bob!
Rascal
-----Original Message-----
From: owner-dakota-truck@bent.twistedbits.net
[mailto:owner-dakota-truck@bent.twistedbits.net] On Behalf Of DAKSY
Sent: Monday, December 05, 2005 9:52 PM
To: Dakota Mailing List
Subject: DML: Tool definitions (OT sorta)
Hey, DML!
Check these out:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of
light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned
guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Also used to round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting
various flammable objects in your shop alight. Also
handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you
want the bearing race out of.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile
to the ground after you have installed your new disk
brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an
automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he
has another hydraulic floor jack
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
for getting dog sh** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt
holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile
strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry-bar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning
booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good
source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume
40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids
of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies,
to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced
in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO,
and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50¢ part.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts not far from the
object you are trying to hit.
CRAFT KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on contents such as new>
seats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of
your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will
need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in
hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and
indignities following our every deficiency in
foresight.
Love to take the credit, but stolen from a board, who
stole it from another, who got it off a mailing list.
Bob Smith (DAKSY2K on AIM)
2K DAK SY Sport + V6 4X4 5Speed
WebPage URL: http://home.nycap.rr.com/daksy/
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