Re: Men's toys

From: ffastje (ffastje@cox.net)
Date: Sun Dec 19 2010 - 19:19:11 EST


On 12/19/2010 2:32 PM, Azie L. Magnusson wrote:
> Simply too good not to pass on!!!!
>
> "If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara
> Desert, in five years there'd be a shortage of sand."
> Milton Friedman
>
> Azie
>
>
> Men's toys. Sometimes known as tools. With a description of the use for
> each. This may come in handy since tools are often found under the tree on
> Christmas Day.
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which
> you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
> workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
> hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh
> sh--!'
>
> SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> blood-blisters.
>
> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
> touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
> your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
> If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
> welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
> wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
>
> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
> projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
> you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly
> under the bumper.
>
> BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
> good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
> can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
> everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
> for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
> shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
> screw heads.
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
> convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
> palms.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
> as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
> object we are trying to hit.
>
> UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
> cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
> such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
> magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
> slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
>
> SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and
> throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of aBITCH!' at the top of your
> lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
>
>
Thanks for the laugh. I think i have all of those.

-- 
Francis Fastje	
1999 dakota 3.9 4X4
67000 miles



This archive was generated by hypermail 2b29 : Sat Jan 01 2011 - 16:31:13 EST