On 2/18/2011 1:26 PM, Josh Battles wrote:
>
> Looks delicious! By the sounds of it, it's encased in resin at this point?
>
> - Josh
>
Scuzzburger: A Terrifying History Lesson
(this lesson has also been outlined by the EPA for use as a training
handbook for the education of toxic waste recovery and containment
technicians)
Once upon a time, there was a beef patty. It was born from a USDA
inspected side of beef, and spent some time in a refrigeration system at
Walmart before finally finding a home at DML HQ's.
This particular beef patty was grilled during a get together at DML HQ,
to finalize details for the 2006 DML National Meet that was to be held
in Colorado later that year. The attendees of the planning committee
were one member short at this gathering. Due to the distance involved,
TerribleTom had to attend the conference via the InterWebNet.comIrcles
Around this same time period, Our Fearless Leader was working on a top
secret engine performance technogizmo-widgit for terribletom's
franken-Dak: Christine. The highly specialized and highly valuable parts
were shipped back to the quiet town in Wisconsin for which they were
intended... but with one undeclared passenger..
Unbeknownst to TerribleTom, but knownst to everyone else (thats a
Spaceballs reference there folks) -- inside the big shipping box was a
smaller box labeled "hardware"... In distress and trapped, without
refrigeration... entombed with nuts and bolts... was our little friend,
the beef patty.
An undetermined amount of time passed by, in which the burger was still
surrounded by grade 8 hardware and plastic wrap inside that box, which
was located in a garage somewhere in the 50-60 degree range.
One day, TerribleTom received a communication from the Fearless Leader,
asking if he had had a chance to check out the free hardware that was
included with the Top Secret Parts. TerribleTom replied that he had not
yet taken a look. He was advised that it would be a good idea to do
so...and soon.
Upon inspection of the suspect box of hardware, the burger finally saw
the light of day... but it was too late... he was already gone to the
big BBQ Grill in the sky... all that remained was... the remains.
TerribleTom, upon discovering this... laughed quite a while. He then
decided that the little patty had to be returned to the DML Homeland,
for proper burial... or sanitary disposal in a raging bondfire. Much
like Luke Cheesewalker and his father, Darth Burger...
sorry... anyway...
The burger was wrapped up a few dozen times in plastic wrap, replaced in
its box, and finally wrapped in grey duct tape. It was placed in
carbomite cryofreeze until the appointed time.
**One Year Later**
The National Meet has taken place... everyone had a great time...
everyone went home... the little burger forgotten...
winter... snow...
then finally spring... warmer temperatures...
the 2007 DML BBQ was being talked about...
Somewhere in Wisconsin...
Terribletom starts planning for the upcoming DML Meet at the Homeland...
and discovers a little grey tape wrapped box lurking in the back of his
freezer with a note "do not eat".
The Burger was packed up and made the pilgrimage to DML HQ during the
summer of 2007. TerribleTom presented it to the Fearless Leader with
pride! Haa haa - got you last!! (so he thought at the time!)
The burger is inspected, placed back in its coffin cardboard box, and
then left in the freezer side of the old ice box at DML HQ in the
barn... and forgotten...
Several months later... the refrigerator having been unplugged to save
electricity shortly after the conclusion of the 2007 DML BBQ... our
Fearless Leader... became fearful when he finally discovered it in the
no longer frozen freezer. But it wasn't the same anymore... a
transformation had taken place. A mutation. Its thought that a hand
contaminated with mud from the evil mud pit might have come in contact
with the burger... resulting in the transformation that took place...
merging beef... mold... and mud... into an abomination that was the
color of the incredible hulk...the Scuzzburger.
Having stumbled upon this zombie burger... this.. undead flesh that
could not die! Our Fearless Leader knew drastic measures had to be
taken. He devised a scheme, for which he would make a gift of a gutted
Packard Bell tower to TerribleTom, who was at the time engaged in a
server farm project... he has this crazy idea about breeding computer
controlled pine trees (vague Back To The Future homage').
Inside this Packard Bell... was the Scuzzburger. Encased in plastic
using the best vacuum sealer that you could buy at a yard sale. This
Packard Bell became the vessel for which the Scuzzburger would be sent
back to TerribleTom... this ship(ment) was christened the Packard Hell.
A ship(ment) of the damned.
A week or so later, when the parcel arrived at the home of
TerribleTom... he had no idea what lay in store for him. He unpacked
the container and with a giddy laugh laid hands on his new computer
tower which would soon contain the heartbeat of an Intel Quad Core
multipro.... wait a moment... this computer already HAS a heart beating
inside it! He could HEAR it!...
He could smell it too... what the hell!!!
Inside, glowing green like some radioactive hockey puck from the 7th
dimension... SCUZZBURGER!!!!!! (insert psycho terror music here)
Bullets, swords, bombs... it was all ineffective... nothing was
working... not even Febreeze... how do you kill that which is already
dead? You can't...
He knew he had only one chance to save himself and the world! The
Scuzzburger was getting stronger! More evil and dangerous to the sanity
(and sanitary) conditions of the world! WE MUST ACT QUICK! HURRY! OFF
TO THE ARTS AND CRAFTS STORE!!! Its our only chance!!!
Look! A glass candy jar! Yes that was the solution!! Hurry! Down that
isle! Past the floral arrangements and on the left - look for stir
sticks! Wooden curtain rods would work too - just need something to
stir with! Back past the colored pencils and markers - find the two
part epoxy resin!!
Just in the nick of time, he made it back... the epoxy resin was
mixed... the Scuzzburger was lured over to the candy dish and trapped
under its lid. The resin was pumped in and around it. A bubbling,
foaming writhing scene. Scuzzburger knew its time had run out. It was
trapped. The resin hardened and solidified.
The Glass and resin tomb was delivered a few years later, once again to
its homeland at DML HQ. Where it resides on the desk of our Fearless Leader.
But oh no.. Scuzzburger is not dead... just waiting... locked in its
clear prison. Looking out and planning...waiting for the day it will be
set free... so it may exact its revenge on the world.
*twilight zone music*
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b29 : Tue Mar 01 2011 - 19:18:32 EST