: I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy a
: sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a
: big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough
: time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
:
: For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
: selecting
: gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem
: surprised
: to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left
: on
: the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
:
: Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up
: Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,
: still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting
: there. First
: of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,
: gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,
: desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack
: would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male
: Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems
: because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds
: and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
:
: Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
: - Men can't pack a bag.
: - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
: - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen
: with all those elves.
: - Men don't answer their mail.
: - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be describe even in jest
: as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." Even the
: ugliest
: man alive believes he closely resembles Brad Pitt or Arnold
: Schwartzenager.
: - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
: - Having to do the Ho-Ho-Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
: ability to pick up women.
: - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
:
: I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
: - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous
: - Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
: - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
: - Leprocons are frequently drunk.
:
: Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening
: test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
-May your celebration of this season of holidays draw deep from the
abundant joy, fierce hopes and enduring traditions of all our ancestors.
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This archive was generated by hypermail 2b29 : Fri Jun 20 2003 - 12:11:31 EDT