At 01:48 PM 12/24/98 , you wrote:
>: I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy a
>: sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a
>: big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough
>: time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
<snip>
There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:
First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store
would
never move because Santa would feel the need to 'bond' with every kid that
sat on
her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy
telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make your butt look fat." Also,
Christmas comes at the end of the month but I have never heard the REAL Santa
complain about cramps or feeling all bloaty.
What woman would be even caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a
nail in there. And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that
most women
look significantly better without facial hair (unless they're total
schnauzers).
If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. She'd be down at
the North
Pole Super-X every other day buying a gallon of 'Clairol Brunette #
whatever'. Plus,
women don't smoke pipes. Also, the sleigh and the reindeer are not equipped
with
an automatic transmission, a cell phone or vanity mirrors. Not to mention,
I don't
think Mrs. Claus is a lesbian. I also find it hard to believe that a female
Santa could
whip a reindeer's ass to get it moving. It's a widely-known fact that
coochie-coochie
talk doesn't work with reindeer.
A female Santa would only bring junk like 'Easy Bake' ovens, Baby 'Puke 'n
Crap',
and worst of all - CLOTHES - to all the little boys in the world because
those items
aren't as threatening as the really cool toys like 'Johnny Thermo-nuclear
Warhead'
or 'Rock-em Sock-em Robots' or 'Creepy Crawlers'. And when you leave a plate of
cookies out on the kitchen table on Christmas Eve, Santa judiciously takes
a bite
from each one to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole damn box
of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's
containers all over the kitchen floor. As far as that red velvet suit is
concerned, Mrs
Claus withheld sex until Santa agreed to wear it.
And if all that doesn't prove without a doubt that Santa is a guy, consider
this verse
from the poem: T'was The Night Before Christmas:
"He spoke not a word but went straight to his work..."
If Santa was female, that line would have read:
"She wouldn't shut up, so Christmas was postponed indefinitely..."
Merry Christmas everybody.
Mike Crumley 97 V6 Auto
mail to: mcrumley@airmail,net
Two words: Ally McNaked
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