Damm man! I nearly feel outta my chair from laughing so hard!
95 DSCC v6 5spd (my sides hurt!)
> -----Original Message-----
> From: owner-dakota-truck@buffnet4.buffnet.net
> [mailto:owner-dakota-truck@buffnet4.buffnet.net]On Behalf Of Mike
> Crumley
> Sent: Thursday, December 24, 1998 4:52 PM
> To: dakota-truck@buffnet.net
> Subject: Re: DML: FW: [WiccanTalk] (Fwd) Fw: Santa Clause is Really a
> Woman...
>
>
> At 01:48 PM 12/24/98 , you wrote:
> >: I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy a
> >: sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it.
> Christmas is a
> >: big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and
> I have a tough
> >: time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
> <snip>
>
> There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:
>
> First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the
> department store
> would
> never move because Santa would feel the need to 'bond' with
> every kid that
> sat on
> her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because
> they'd be too busy
> telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make your butt
> look fat." Also,
> Christmas comes at the end of the month but I have never
> heard the REAL Santa
> complain about cramps or feeling all bloaty.
>
> What woman would be even caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she
> might break a
> nail in there. And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll
> agree that
> most women
> look significantly better without facial hair (unless they're total
> schnauzers).
>
> If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. She'd
> be down at
> the North
> Pole Super-X every other day buying a gallon of 'Clairol Brunette #
> whatever'. Plus,
> women don't smoke pipes. Also, the sleigh and the reindeer
> are not equipped
> with
> an automatic transmission, a cell phone or vanity mirrors.
> Not to mention,
> I don't
> think Mrs. Claus is a lesbian. I also find it hard to believe
> that a female
> Santa could
> whip a reindeer's ass to get it moving. It's a widely-known fact that
> coochie-coochie
> talk doesn't work with reindeer.
>
> A female Santa would only bring junk like 'Easy Bake' ovens,
> Baby 'Puke 'n
> Crap',
> and worst of all - CLOTHES - to all the little boys in the
> world because
> those items
> aren't as threatening as the really cool toys like 'Johnny
> Thermo-nuclear
> Warhead'
> or 'Rock-em Sock-em Robots' or 'Creepy Crawlers'. And when
> you leave a plate of
> cookies out on the kitchen table on Christmas Eve, Santa
> judiciously takes
> a bite
> from each one to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman,
> the whole damn box
> of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty
> Ben & Jerry's
> containers all over the kitchen floor. As far as that red
> velvet suit is
> concerned, Mrs
> Claus withheld sex until Santa agreed to wear it.
>
> And if all that doesn't prove without a doubt that Santa is a
> guy, consider
> this verse
> from the poem: T'was The Night Before Christmas:
>
> "He spoke not a word but went straight to his work..."
>
> If Santa was female, that line would have read:
>
> "She wouldn't shut up, so Christmas was postponed indefinitely..."
>
> Merry Christmas everybody.
>
>
> Mike Crumley 97 V6 Auto
> mail to: mcrumley@airmail,net
>
> Two words: Ally McNaked
>
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