ARMAGEDDON - CONDENSED VERSION
8:00AM - Rapture: Doors of Heaven open; earth's righteous begin to rise to
paradise. Dan Quayle briefly hovers five inches above the floor, then
collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!"
8:02AM - Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky.
8:13AM - Taco Bell chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is
the antichrist. Then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy
eyes and people find him irresistible anyway.
9:04AM - Global economy collapses-except in case of Dilbert products,which
continue to sell briskly.
9:45AM - All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously.
10:40AM - Abyss opens, releasing foreboding cloud of black smoke and plague
of disgusting flavored sports drinks. Oceans and lakes turn to blood.
11:32AM - In emergency arbitration, Miller Lite is declared "less filling".
11:47AM - Sun becomes black as "sackcloth of hair", Moon becomes as blood.
12 NOON - Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray
tables to their upright and locked positions."
12:03PM - Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping evil off
as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush.
1:11PM - Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh.
2:46PM - Rampaging looters are surprised by the softer side of Sears.
3:18PM - Saddam Hussein take Kuwait again; U.S. issues a statement formally
not giving a damn.
3:21PM - Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants
and elderly.
4:56PM - Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service.
5:20PM - Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts.
6:12PM - The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts
dating Baby Spice.
7:16PM - Jewel dies quietly on the toilet.
9:27PM - God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass.
10:00PM - Today's winning Lotto numbers are announced. Congrats, you won!!!!
10:42PM - Shari Lewis' head suddenly appears in place of left hand of Lamb.
11:30PM - God finally answers all the big questions (e.g., is it ever OK to
break up over the phone?).
12 MIDNIGHT - Tied in the World Series, Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs meet
in the seventh game, and - with two out and the score tied in the bottom of
the ninth - the world blows up.
12:03AM - In deepest space, fleshy shreds of The Artist Formerly Known as
Prince rename themselves "Susan."
Greg Popovich - Service Engineer
D.I.S. Research Ltd
(212)930-4202
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b29 : Fri Jun 20 2003 - 12:13:38 EDT