The Riceboy Rules
By: Slanter
Author Homepage: http://www.geocities.com/dodgedart270
Have you ever tried to argue with others and establish the superiority of
your car once and for all, only to find yourself handicapped by the fact
that you don't know anything about cars? Fortunately, you can still manage
to get your point across without all the research and thinking needed to
construct a sound arguement if you just adhere to a simple set of rules. If
you love your Honda and want more than anything else to make that Camaro
driver see things your way, just stick to these simple guidelines!
1. Image
Remember, your image is extremely important as a riceboy. Therefore, make
every effort to point out how popular the rice scene is. Appeal to how many
people are building cars like yours. Brag about how the import scene is more
than just a trend; it's a revolution. The urge to conform is a powerful
force, and use it to your advantage whenever possible.
2. Opinions
In a debate, your opinions count as much as real facts. If you think that
Mustangs are ugly, that counts for just as much against them as being a
whole second faster in the quarter mile. Remember, facts take time to look
up, whereas opinions only take seconds to dream up.
3. Horsepower
To estimate your own car's horsepower, take the stock hp rating, and add in
the highest estimated power gain from each mod you have done. To estimate
the horsepower of an American car, take its stock horsepower rating, and
deduct 10 to 25 hp for it being a POS. Make no adjustments for mods.
Remember, Japanese horsepower is better quality than the horsepower found in
an American car. If you don't know how much horsepower an American car has,
assume it has either 30 hp per liter, or 200 hp, whichever is less. If you
only have the engine size in cubic inches and don't know how to convert it
to liters, make up for this by talking about how much English units suck.
You can never emphasize hp/liter ratios too much. Always brag about how this
is more efficient, and just ignore ignorant comments like, "Well, the S2000
makes 120 hp per liter, but it guzzles gas like a V8!" People who make these
comments just don't understand that Japanese cars are always more efficient
just because they are Japanese, and Japanese have more efficient technology.
If somebody reminds you that your car still has less horsepower, talk about
what would happen if Honda built a V8 with the same specific output as a
Type R, or about what kind of performance a Mustang would have if it had
only half the engine size. Some domestic trivia buffs may be able to come up
with examples of small, high performance American engines. Just ignore these
remarks; you're not likely to win if you try arguing about such cars.
Concentrate on V8's instead.
4. Weight
Assume all imports weigh approximately 2,500 lbs, except for extremely
lightweight cars like the CRX and Miata. These should be assumed to weigh
under 2,000 lbs. Assume all domestics weigh over 3,000 lbs at least,
preferably over 3,500 lbs. The exceptions are really huge cars, such as the
Chevy Impala or Crown Vics. These land yachts should be assumed to weigh
over 5,000 lbs. If a domestic owner mentions something which you have no
choice but to admit can't weigh that much, make fun of whatever POS he's
come up with, and claim nobody in his right mind would want to be seen in
something so ugly. See section 8, Pintos. Never, ever actually look up the
curb weight of a car. If you make up your own weight figures, you can make
the difference in weight look all that much more impressive. Constantly brag
about power to weight ratios and how imports are better in that respect,
even if somebody does the math and proves that many stock domestics have
better power to weight ratios than your car.
5. Handling
Japanese cars handle better than American ones, and small FWD American cars
handle better than pony cars. This is to be taken as an article of faith;
you don't need any evidence to claim this, and shouldn't bother trying to
bring up any evidence. Most domestic owners are primarily concerned with
drag racing, so they seldom study enough about handling to argue this point.
If someone does attempt to argue this, reply with some mumbo jumbo about how
solid axles date back to the days of horse drawn wagons, and leave it at
that. Do this even if your own car has a solid axle rear suspension. Also
emphasize that light weight means better handling. See section 4, Weight.
Emphasize that a large V8 up front makes for poor weight distribution, and
neglect the fact that FWD cars frequently have even worse weight
distribution.
6. Mileage
Brag about how much more mileage your car gets as often as possible. This is
one area where you can be relatively certain your car performs better than
muscle cars. The fact that muscle car owners usually don't care too much
about mileage doesn't matter. Some may be content to get 25 mpg or so, so
claim without proof that their cars really get 16 mpg or worse. Always use
city mileage estimates for domestics, and highway mileage estimates for
imports, to make the gap seem as large as possible.
7. Quality control and reliability
American cars should be presumed to be built to 1978 levels of quality
control. When you wish to demonstrate how much more reliable your car is,
use either Consumer Reports or an account of some American car built in the
late 70's or early 80's that some family member owned and afterwards swore
never to by another American car. Brag about how your car is going to last
150,000 miles, and state that none of the domestics owned by your critics
will last that long, even if some of them have somehow managed to keep a
domestic car on the road for over 200,000 miles with an unrebuilt engine.
Remember, closing your mind is your best defense about being confused by
facts.
8. Pintos
The Pinto should be used as an example of how badly built American cars are.
Treat all American compact cars as modern day descendants of the Pinto.
Ignore any comments about sick minded people who have either raced Pintos or
stuffed V8's into them. Remember, image is what counts here, not reality.
Pintos have a horrible reputation, and you should use it for all it's worth.
9. Progress and Technology
It's an indisputable fact that cars have become better built, more powerful,
and more reliable since the late 70's. Since you were probably born sometime
in the late 70's or early 80's, what was built before then doesn't count
anyway, so you can safely assume that newer is always better. Remember, many
American V8's were designed even before the 70's, so they must be even worse
than the cars designed in that decade. Never pass up an opportunity to
mention any kind of technology found in your car that is not found in
traditional American muscle cars. It doesn't matter how useful or useless
this technology is, if it was invented by the Japanese, or even if you have
a clue as to what it does; proclaim it to be a sign of Japanese
technological superiority. However, you should at least make an effort to
spell the name of the innovation correctly.
10. Street racing
The best way to estimate the performance of your car is by what you've been
able to beat in a street race. Your kill stories should have the best spin
on them possible. For example, if you drive past a parked Corvette, claim
you found a Corvette and blew by it like it was standing still. They don't
have to know that it really was standing still. Never post a timeslip if you
can avoid it.
11. Magazines
Study up well on magazines like Consumer Reports and Super Street. They
provide great arguing material. It's best to avoid magazines that cater to
the enemy. Don't even touch books that cover serious, in-depth analysis of
engine or chassis tuning. Your status as a riceboy is at stake here.
12. When all else fails If you can't refute anything the people you are
arguing with say, call them rednecks and/or accuse them of being gay. These
will get them angry without actually requiring you to think about their
arguements.
Greg
NE# 3779
2K1 Neon ES
Rahway NJ
ICQ: 283886
http://24.6.89.18/neon
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