Finally! A rallying call we Canucks can gather around! We must gather
provisions, apply fresh tape to our hockey sticks, and print off the Tim
Horton's ration cards!
I must say, I would much rather be in a country led by a weenie, than a
country led by a moron!
Bob, you can count on me to do my best to seal off the western flank of our
borders. We'll get those buggers yet!
"Bob Tom" <tigers@bserv.com> wrote in message
news:5.0.2.1.0.20021128220946.009ee0b0@bserv.com...
>
> "We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight on the landing grounds.
> We shall fight in the fields, and in the streets, we shall fight in the
> hills.
> We shall never surrender!"
> - Winston Churchill, 1940.
>
> My fellow Canadians, the time has come to defend our home and native land.
> Put down your Tim Horton's double double and pick up your hockey and
> lacrosse sticks, the Yanks are coming!
>
> It appears we crossed the line with our neighbours to the south when an
aide
> to Prime Minister Jean Chretien referred to America's big cheese, George
W.
> Bush,
> as a moron.
>
> The remark has sent Americans into such a tizzy some are now dusting off
their
> atlases to find out where Canada is located.
>
> We've been the topic du jour on U.S. cable news channels, which is about
as
> rare
> as an Osama bin Laden sighting.
>
> Earlier this week, Robert Novak, co-host of the CNN political show
> Crossfire, said:
> "We may be able to trust the Saudis, but can we trust our shifty
neighbours to
> the north?"
>
> Novak also referred to Canada as a "country of weenies."
> Now them's fightin' words, eh?
>
> The imminent battle should come as little surprise. The Moron Affair is
> just another
> incident in a long list of events that have put our two countries on the
> brink of war.
>
> Consider the facts:
>
> We stole their coveted World Series trophy for a couple of years, and gave
them
> Celine Dion (that alone should be reason enough for an invasion);
>
> We kicked their butts in both men's and women's hockey at the Salt Lake
City
> Winter Olympics;
>
> They refused to buy potatoes from our farmers in Prince Edward Island and
> slapped
> hefty tariffs on Canadian softwood lumber companies exporting their goods
> across
> the border;
>
> They pilfered the Quebec Nordiques and Winnipeg Jets. And you know they're
> salivating at the opportunity to get their hands on the Edmonton Oilers
and
> Calgary Flames;
>
> Rumour has it that the Bush administration is working on a United Nations
> resolution
> that would see NHL weapons inspectors come to Canada and rid the country
of
> hockey sticks with illegal blades.
>
> Also consider the similarities between Canada and Iraq, currently No. 1 on
> the U.S. hit list.
>
> Both countries have leaders who've been accused of controlling their
members of
> parliament; both nations produce oil; and like the Toronto Maple Leafs,
the
> Baghdad Oilers of the Persian Gulf Soccer League have not won a
championship
> since 1967.
>
> Perhaps most striking is the two countries' penchant for invading smaller,
> helpless
> states. For Iraq, it was Kuwait. For Canada, it's Florida every winter.
>
> How do we protect ourselves against an invasion from the world's Super
Power?
>
> We can't rely on our under-funded, over-worked military to prevail in this
> battle.
> This war will be won with a little Canadian ingenuity.
>
> The first move will be to evacuate our famous sons and daughters now
dwelling
> in enemy territory.
>
> The list will include Jim Carrey, Pamela Anderson, Michael J. Fox, Wayne
> Gretzky,
> Leslie Neilsen and Peter Jennings. Dion, the songbird from Quebec, can
stay in
> Las Vegas.
>
> Every Canadian-born hockey player now toiling for an American team will
also
> return to the Great White North.
>
> We'll enlist the guy who starred in the "I am Canadian" commercials to
> deliver speeches
> to rally the troops across this vast country.
>
> Then, we'll hit 'em where it hurts.
>
> We'll find a way to hijack their TV airwaves and fill them with a steady
> stream of Canadian
> comedies and dramas. With all the talent we've lost to the so-called brain
> drain, surely
> there must be some native Canuck who could pull off such a feat.
>
> Picture it: An American sits down in front of his beloved boob tube
> prepared to watch
> Survivor; instead all he gets are reruns of David Suzuki's Nature of
Things.
>
> We will substitute the hit drama Boston Public with Degrassi Junior High;
> Beachcombers will replace Friends; and Mike Bullard will take over the
time
> slot
> normally reserved for David Letterman and Jay Leno.
>
> On Sundays, we will replace their beloved National Football League games
with
> classic CFL matches. All weather forecasts will be from Winnipeg in
February.
>
> To seal the victory, we will make them watch the CBC epic
> Canada: A People's History, followed by the Trudeau mini-series.
>
> They'll be screaming fuddle duddle while running for cover. The last thing
> they will want to do is invade us. Victory will be ours.
>
> I call on every Canadian Dakota owner to convoy his Dakota and pet beaver
> (Sic 'em!) to the nearest border crossing and help seal our borders!
Let's
> make
> the first move while they're still stuff with turkey!
>
> P.S. Click here to subscribe to my new newsletter.
>
> Bob (Just thought things were a little slow :-) )
>
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b29 : Fri Feb 06 2004 - 11:47:29 EST