“We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight on the landing grounds.
We shall fight in the fields, and in the streets, we shall fight in the
hills.
We shall never surrender!”
— Winston Churchill, 1940.
My fellow Canadians, the time has come to defend our home and native land.
Put down your Tim Horton’s double double and pick up your hockey and
lacrosse sticks, the Yanks are coming!
It appears we crossed the line with our neighbours to the south when an aide
to Prime Minister Jean Chretien referred to America’s big cheese, George W.
Bush,
as a moron.
The remark has sent Americans into such a tizzy some are now dusting off their
atlases to find out where Canada is located.
We’ve been the topic du jour on U.S. cable news channels, which is about as
rare
as an Osama bin Laden sighting.
Earlier this week, Robert Novak, co-host of the CNN political show
Crossfire, said:
“We may be able to trust the Saudis, but can we trust our shifty neighbours to
the north?”
Novak also referred to Canada as a “country of weenies.”
Now them’s fightin’ words, eh?
The imminent battle should come as little surprise. The Moron Affair is
just another
incident in a long list of events that have put our two countries on the
brink of war.
Consider the facts:
We stole their coveted World Series trophy for a couple of years, and gave them
Celine Dion (that alone should be reason enough for an invasion);
We kicked their butts in both men’s and women’s hockey at the Salt Lake City
Winter Olympics;
They refused to buy potatoes from our farmers in Prince Edward Island and
slapped
hefty tariffs on Canadian softwood lumber companies exporting their goods
across
the border;
They pilfered the Quebec Nordiques and Winnipeg Jets. And you know they’re
salivating at the opportunity to get their hands on the Edmonton Oilers and
Calgary Flames;
Rumour has it that the Bush administration is working on a United Nations
resolution
that would see NHL weapons inspectors come to Canada and rid the country of
hockey sticks with illegal blades.
Also consider the similarities between Canada and Iraq, currently No. 1 on
the U.S. hit list.
Both countries have leaders who’ve been accused of controlling their members of
parliament; both nations produce oil; and like the Toronto Maple Leafs, the
Baghdad Oilers of the Persian Gulf Soccer League have not won a championship
since 1967.
Perhaps most striking is the two countries’ penchant for invading smaller,
helpless
states. For Iraq, it was Kuwait. For Canada, it’s Florida every winter.
How do we protect ourselves against an invasion from the world’s Super Power?
We can’t rely on our under-funded, over-worked military to prevail in this
battle.
This war will be won with a little Canadian ingenuity.
The first move will be to evacuate our famous sons and daughters now dwelling
in enemy territory.
The list will include Jim Carrey, Pamela Anderson, Michael J. Fox, Wayne
Gretzky,
Leslie Neilsen and Peter Jennings. Dion, the songbird from Quebec, can stay in
Las Vegas.
Every Canadian-born hockey player now toiling for an American team will also
return to the Great White North.
We’ll enlist the guy who starred in the “I am Canadian” commercials to
deliver speeches
to rally the troops across this vast country.
Then, we’ll hit ’em where it hurts.
We’ll find a way to hijack their TV airwaves and fill them with a steady
stream of Canadian
comedies and dramas. With all the talent we’ve lost to the so-called brain
drain, surely
there must be some native Canuck who could pull off such a feat.
Picture it: An American sits down in front of his beloved boob tube
prepared to watch
Survivor; instead all he gets are reruns of David Suzuki’s Nature of Things.
We will substitute the hit drama Boston Public with Degrassi Junior High;
Beachcombers will replace Friends; and Mike Bullard will take over the time
slot
normally reserved for David Letterman and Jay Leno.
On Sundays, we will replace their beloved National Football League games with
classic CFL matches. All weather forecasts will be from Winnipeg in February.
To seal the victory, we will make them watch the CBC epic
Canada: A People’s History, followed by the Trudeau mini-series.
They’ll be screaming fuddle duddle while running for cover. The last thing
they will want to do is invade us. Victory will be ours.
I call on every Canadian Dakota owner to convoy his Dakota and pet beaver
(Sic 'em!) to the nearest border crossing and help seal our borders! Let's
make
the first move while they're still stuff with turkey!
P.S. Click here to subscribe to my new newsletter.
Bob (Just thought things were a little slow :-) )
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b29 : Fri Feb 06 2004 - 11:47:29 EST